saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
