Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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