never play flip cup with pint glasses
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
