So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
