saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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