I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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