Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
