It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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