Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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