I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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