Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you traded sex for a burrito?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
