can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize