I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
