How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
