she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
