i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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