The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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