Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
