You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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