My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
