someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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