My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
