I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
