News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
