Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
