then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
