Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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