More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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