my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
