In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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