My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
