I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
