Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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