I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
