My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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