pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
