you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
