Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
