Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
