Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
