I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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