Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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