So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My bed smells like the plague
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
