my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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