He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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