Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
