i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
