even my farts smell like vagina
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
