So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
