I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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