Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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