It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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