I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
third nipple confirmed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
