Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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