All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Me too!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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