i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
