dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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