YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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