How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
