Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
