apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
