I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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