Got a toothbrush?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
