Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
