I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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