Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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