Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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