I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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