I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
