yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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