And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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