She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
