Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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