Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
