he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
me + whiskey = a bad person
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize